Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Stuck

What do you do when the company sets you up in a service apartment with no lighter and you are DESPERATE for a cigaratte? You start the electric stove, wait and enjoy the cigaratte. Try not to burn your hair in the process.....

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Aborted

I will regret my decision for the rest of my life, but life will be different had I not made the decision to abort. I fought off the anaesthetic but that's what they are meant to do, to make you drowsy, forget the pain and go to sleep. "I really like your handbag" said the nurse as I started feeling drowsy. She went upon doing her job as this to her was just another operation. I looked up, naked from waist onwards and my legs were straped to the pole wide apart. All I felt was numb and lost after the doctor did a scan and told me I was 6 weeks pregnant. I calmly told him I wanted an abortion that day. Like all doctors, he said he had a tight schedule but will fit me in. I watched as the ceiling started to spin. Spin spin spin and then darkeness. In my dreams I see my little baby in my arms, she asked me why I had to kill her. I cried. Because I am selfish. Because I had a career that had no place for a baby, because I was not married, because I was raped. Because I did not know if her father was the my rapist or the married man I was seeing. "If you were raped, why did you not go to the police?" Because I had a reputation, because I had a career, because if my company found out, I would have been fired. Tears flowed down the baby's cheeks, "mistakes are meant to be learn from".

When I woke up, it was over, I was no longer pregnant and could resume my normal life. A double life - a day life of a working woman and a night life filled with partying and drinking. But what was a normal life now? One part of me had died, along with the baby. The part of me that lived life irresponsibly, without a care in the world was dead. For there are reasons to care, there are reasons to love, and there are reasons to be responsible. For me. I had to take the hurt, the pain, the guilt and go on continuing living life as if nothing happened.

That was 3 years ago, but the memories live on......

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Talking Cock...

I have not been able to write, trust me, I would if I could, just that time has not permitted me to. The old wolf was watching a documentory on television the other day and it was on spiders. I dont know what they are called but they are the ones with lots of hair on their legs and body, must be hairy spiders. There he was sitting on the sofa, all absorbed into the documentary and suddenly he said
"they remind me so much of your public hair"
"huh? my cunt is not hairy now"
"they were when we first met"
"so do you want to fuck the spiders?"
silence....


and then...

"(old wolf), would you suck yourself if you could?"
"yeah man, I would"
"fuck, that is fucking disguisting"
"what? you will not lick yourself if you could"
"yeah, I guess I would if I could"
"so why cant I suck myself?"
"cos you got all that sperm that comes out with it, and to think of drinking your own sperm"
"no I would just spray it on you"


silence..........

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Je t'aime

The old wolf did not sound happy when I told him I spoke to my past lover asking for advise. Gosh! Petite, you dont expect him to jump with joy do you???!!! The old wolf was on one of his overseas trip again so he had to rush off for the 'vely empotant meeeeting'. A half hour later, when he was suppose to be in his meeting, he called and said "I love you, you silly girl! Cant talk long but you know how important you are to me". I could cry there and then in the middle of the crowded Paris metro. After all the crap bull shit I throw at him, he still comes back telling me that he loves me. I remember why I fell for him, more importantly, I remember why I stayed loyal to him. He was worth my loyalty. I never knew what loyalty meant until I met him. I had always cheated on my previous boyfriends. Hence the fear that the old wolf will cheat on me, althought he says he is loyal and I choose to believe him. naive I know but it hurts less. Anyways, guys if you dont want your girlfriends to cheat on you, try using this line on her cause it sure did work on me "I love you and I know that you love me and will never hurt me by cheating on me"...of course you say it with sincerity, looking straight into her eyes. And man, that works cause I have not cheated on the old wolf.......

yet....


no no...I dont intend to actually.


Silly silly petite....got something great going here, which is by far better than any of the previous relationships you have had and you wanna throw it away because of your insecurities... Petite is going to be a good girl from now on......


til...


her next period is due....

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Past and Present

Funny how your past turns up to help you with your present. There were many boyfriends and one night stand, but only a few left an impression on my heart. The wolf and I have been having significant amounts of arguments lately. Nothing of terrible importance and at times it is arguing for the sake of arguing, trying to prove to each other than the other was right. Wounds were cut and before it had time to heal, another wound was cut again and at times on the same place. The last argument we had was the tip of the ice berg. There had always been this particular lover of the past that still provided an important value for me today. Although our story has long ended and will never be revived again, he was always present in my heart. I was burning the mid night oil wondering what I had to do when I e-mailed him to ask him for his number. He replied instanty and I hessitated to call him as it has been a good 2 years since I last spoken to him. From his e-mails, I could tell that he still had feelings for me. When we were together, we knew that our time together was not forever, we knew that our time together was limited as he had a wife and children. I had no intentions to break his marriage and although we loved each other deeply, our love was not strong enough for him to sacrifice his marriage. We had nights where we held each other tightly crying ourselves to sleep thinking of the day we will have to move on with our seperate lifes. That was 3 years ago and today I was revisiting, opening up our past and seeking him for advice. He had taught me so many things about men, about life, about choosing the right partner. He was my mentor and that time, we both thought we were each other's soul mate. He was much older than me, held a high position in a company, money and power. It was after being with him that I could never be with a man who is my age, or some one who is just starting out in life. He had put too many expectations on me for a man that I could never go back to the average income salared man. It was not money that I craved, but the maturity, confidence and mentallity that comes with a person who has made it in the business world. As our love grew each day, we also knew that one day we did have to part that I did have to find a man of my own. A man whom could stay the night with me, wake me up in the morning and be free to hold hands in the streets and could say that I am his. Today, I found such a man. However the circumstances that the wolf and I are both in makes it difficult to live a 'forever ever after' love story.

I called my past lover, as he picked up the phone, he sense that something was wrong. It was nice hearing his voice and I realise that my feelings for him has change since the last time we spoke. It was no longer feelings that I have for a lover but more of feelings I have for a brother. I spoke to him about the troubles I had with the old wolf. The half hour that we spoke cleared up my mind about the relationship I was in with the old wolf. The past lover made me realised that living as two requires a lot of giving. There were certain sacrifices we have to do to make our relationship grow and that being right was not always the good thing to do. At one instant, I felt a certain sadness, I had never able to confide in the old wolf the way I confinded with my past lover. Having thought about it today. I think the trouble lied with me, I know the old wolf and he was a person with so much to give, so much to offer me. He had open up with heart and took me in without judging my past. I had been too hurt by previous relationships to fully accept his love for me. My fears of previous relationships was coming back to haunt me and it was ruining my relationship with the old wolf. Why do we live in fear? Why cant we live like a child again? Unafraid to fall, being innocent to things around us? Instead we carry our burdens along with us to every new things we enter. I would like to live my story with the old wolf with renewed eyes, being innocent again, believing that he will never hurt me. I want to accept his love and all that he has to give. I need to learn to now.... and I need to learn to be unafraid to give my heart to him. I need to find a way else whatever we have been building will be history....

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Horny

"Fucking late" I swore underneath my breath as I walked into my room. Its not my fault that I report to Europe thus had to work late hours as France and UK began their working day 6 hours later that Singapore. I hate clubbing with work clothes, so clumsily I changed into my jeans and and hastily put on a t-shirt. I was definitely in no mood to be picked up and just wanted a quiet evening catching up with my girlfriends. Caught a cab and was in Brix, Grand Hyatt in 5 minutes. My so called "buddies" sms as I paid my cab fee to say that they were catching a quick bite at Newton Hawker Centre. I decided against sending a "complain sms" as I was the one who made them wait and eventually cancelled dinner because of fucking work commitments. Was not sure if Brix was exactly the best place for a girls night out, catching up, I just want to gossip and bitch session as it was crowded when I entered.

Knowing that I did have to wait for a half hour, I squeeze between the pool of humans, and got a seat on the bar. Although I was not sexily dressed, I caught a few glares from men and fought off some men with cheesy pick up lines. Shit! on the nights where I need some calm and tranquillity to reflect on life, I get more than usual attention. Why cant WE be a bit in tune? What is happening tonight? am I letting out too much female hormones to attract guys?

And then a man walks up to me and whispered into my ears "I'll tell you a secret- I am quite horny too", I stepped back, studying his face trying to recall if I knew him as its true that I have met far too many people than I can remember during my clubbing days. No recollection what so ever. Man, this guy has got a pretty lame pick up line. Where did he learn his lines from - The Simpsons? I decided against leaving my hand marks on his face as he was very well dressed and pretty decent looking. I hissed back at him "Sorry, I am lesbian, unless you are hiding a cunt I can use"...He points to my shirt and grumbles "oh.. I see, so this is only for girls then?". He then takes his drink and makes his way to another women on the other end of the bar. Puzzled by his action, I looked at my t-shirt. In my haste I had taken one of those FCUK t-shirts that read "Je suis Horny" on the front. That explains the why I had been approached more than usual this night. T-shirt to be kept for future use.....

Monday, September 12, 2005

Nipple Saviour


I woke up to 3 men in uniform walking towards our car. I could imagine having some fun with them, but then I remembered we had illegal items in possession. I look at the old wolf, and wanted to ask him where he hid our goodies. Too late, I will find out when the custom officers find them. The old wolf looks at me smilingly. I have known him far too well and it was the look he gave me when we playfully took things from the supermarket to see if we will get caught. It was the same look he gave me when we walked out of a store with an unpaid leather jacket underneath his arms, acting as if he always owned it. It was the look to stay confident and the fucking officers will not notice a thing. Still, damn I wished I had asked where he had hid the marijuana. It was not much, only two reminding sticks from our trip.

The 3 officers walked behind the car and signals for the old wolf to open the trunk. I stayed in the passenger seat, folding my arms in front of my chest to cover my protruding nipples from my top. I had taken off my bra earlier and the coldness from the rain was making my nipples stick out of my top like a sore thumb. The fat officer rumbles through my black plastic bag.
My thoughts were "Oh, he is going to have a damn good time masturbating tonight!". He seems to be trying to fit his cubby face into the bag, as he looks through the items,… handcuffs, leather blind folds, mouth gag, nipple clips, dog collar...etc.... and he looks through the back window towards me, eyeing me like a hawk. He then comes to check the back seat of the car.
Shit! I really like to know where the old wolf hides the hashes. He opens our bag filled with leftover munchies I had brought from Amsterdam, there were hell a lot of chocolates to satisfy my chocolate cravings after a smoke. And chubby officer discovers a love potion, which claims to be like Viagra; only that this came from a sex shop and was in a shape of a sperm.
The sex shop owner at Amsterdam had given it to me as a souvenir while I was twisting it around in my hands singing “When I was sperm, I had a lot to learn…”. I let out a giggle as Officer Chubby picked up the 6-inch sperm with his hands and examines it. The sight of a serious chubby officer, with a sperm in his hands was just too much. He looks at me not amused, then very slowly his eyes slides down to my nipples, and I could see his face lighting
up as if he won the lottery - I think he just got additional material for masturbation tonight. While officer chubby stared at my sore thumb nipples, the two other officers were still searching the trunk. Good job officers - I sat the entire time in the passenger’s seat, and none of the officers asked me to leave so they can check the gloves compartment.

Half an hour of not finding anything exciting apart from my SM toys and sperm, they decided that it was time to let us go. The old wolf later tells me that the hash were hidden in the tissue box on the back seat of the car. Officer chubby would have smelled it but I guess he was more interested in other issues – my nipples. So, my nipples saved the day!
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