Saturday, September 24, 2005

Aborted

I will regret my decision for the rest of my life, but life will be different had I not made the decision to abort. I fought off the anaesthetic but that's what they are meant to do, to make you drowsy, forget the pain and go to sleep. "I really like your handbag" said the nurse as I started feeling drowsy. She went upon doing her job as this to her was just another operation. I looked up, naked from waist onwards and my legs were straped to the pole wide apart. All I felt was numb and lost after the doctor did a scan and told me I was 6 weeks pregnant. I calmly told him I wanted an abortion that day. Like all doctors, he said he had a tight schedule but will fit me in. I watched as the ceiling started to spin. Spin spin spin and then darkeness. In my dreams I see my little baby in my arms, she asked me why I had to kill her. I cried. Because I am selfish. Because I had a career that had no place for a baby, because I was not married, because I was raped. Because I did not know if her father was the my rapist or the married man I was seeing. "If you were raped, why did you not go to the police?" Because I had a reputation, because I had a career, because if my company found out, I would have been fired. Tears flowed down the baby's cheeks, "mistakes are meant to be learn from".

When I woke up, it was over, I was no longer pregnant and could resume my normal life. A double life - a day life of a working woman and a night life filled with partying and drinking. But what was a normal life now? One part of me had died, along with the baby. The part of me that lived life irresponsibly, without a care in the world was dead. For there are reasons to care, there are reasons to love, and there are reasons to be responsible. For me. I had to take the hurt, the pain, the guilt and go on continuing living life as if nothing happened.

That was 3 years ago, but the memories live on......

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