little explorer

Stuck

2005-09-27T11:24:00.000+02:00

What do you do when the company sets you up in a service apartment with no lighter and you are DESPERATE for a cigaratte? You start the electric stove, wait and enjoy the cigaratte. Try not to burn your hair in the process.....

Aborted

2005-09-24T15:20:00.000+02:00

I will regret my decision for the rest of my life, but life will be different had I not made the decision to abort. I fought off the anaesthetic but that's what they are meant to do, to make you drowsy, forget the pain and go to sleep. "I really like your handbag" said the nurse as I started feeling drowsy. She went upon doing her job as this to her was just another operation. I looked up, naked from waist onwards and my legs were straped to the pole wide apart. All I felt was numb and lost after the doctor did a scan and told me I was 6 weeks pregnant. I calmly told him I wanted an abortion that day. Like all doctors, he said he had a tight schedule but will fit me in. I watched as the ceiling started to spin. Spin spin spin and then darkeness. In my dreams I see my little baby in my arms, she asked me why I had to kill her. I cried. Because I am selfish. Because I had a career that had no place for a baby, because I was not married, because I was raped. Because I did not know if her father was the my rapist or the married man I was seeing. "If you were raped, why did you not go to the police?" Because I had a reputation, because I had a career, because if my company found out, I would have been fired. Tears flowed down the baby's cheeks, "mistakes are meant to be learn from".

When I woke up, it was over, I was no longer pregnant and could resume my normal life. A double life - a day life of a working woman and a night life filled with partying and drinking. But what was a normal life now? One part of me had died, along with the baby. The part of me that lived life irresponsibly, without a care in the world was dead. For there are reasons to care, there are reasons to love, and there are reasons to be responsible. For me. I had to take the hurt, the pain, the guilt and go on continuing living life as if nothing happened.

That was 3 years ago, but the memories live on......

Talking Cock...

2005-09-21T17:01:00.000+02:00

I have not been able to write, trust me, I would if I could, just that time has not permitted me to. The old wolf was watching a documentory on television the other day and it was on spiders. I dont know what they are called but they are the ones with lots of hair on their legs and body, must be hairy spiders. There he was sitting on the sofa, all absorbed into the documentary and suddenly he said
"they remind me so much of your public hair"
"huh? my cunt is not hairy now"
"they were when we first met"
"so do you want to fuck the spiders?"
silence....

and then...

"(old wolf), would you suck yourself if you could?"
"yeah man, I would"
"fuck, that is fucking disguisting"
"what? you will not lick yourself if you could"
"yeah, I guess I would if I could"
"so why cant I suck myself?"
"cos you got all that sperm that comes out with it, and to think of drinking your own sperm"
"no I would just spray it on you"

silence..........

Je t'aime

2005-09-15T07:07:00.000+02:00

The old wolf did not sound happy when I told him I spoke to my past lover asking for advise. Gosh! Petite, you dont expect him to jump with joy do you???!!! The old wolf was on one of his overseas trip again so he had to rush off for the 'vely empotant meeeeting'. A half hour later, when he was suppose to be in his meeting, he called and said "I love you, you silly girl! Cant talk long but you know how important you are to me". I could cry there and then in the middle of the crowded Paris metro. After all the crap bull shit I throw at him, he still comes back telling me that he loves me. I remember why I fell for him, more importantly, I remember why I stayed loyal to him. He was worth my loyalty. I never knew what loyalty meant until I met him. I had always cheated on my previous boyfriends. Hence the fear that the old wolf will cheat on me, althought he says he is loyal and I choose to believe him. naive I know but it hurts less. Anyways, guys if you dont want your girlfriends to cheat on you, try using this line on her cause it sure did work on me "I love you and I know that you love me and will never hurt me by cheating on me"...of course you say it with sincerity, looking straight into her eyes. And man, that works cause I have not cheated on the old wolf.......

yet....

no no...I dont intend to actually.

Silly silly petite....got something great going here, which is by far better than any of the previous relationships you have had and you wanna throw it away because of your insecurities... Petite is going to be a good girl from now on......

til...

her next period is due....

Past and Present

2005-09-14T10:40:00.000+02:00

Funny how your past turns up to help you with your present. There were many boyfriends and one night stand, but only a few left an impression on my heart. The wolf and I have been having significant amounts of arguments lately. Nothing of terrible importance and at times it is arguing for the sake of arguing, trying to prove to each other than the other was right. Wounds were cut and before it had time to heal, another wound was cut again and at times on the same place. The last argument we had was the tip of the ice berg. There had always been this particular lover of the past that still provided an important value for me today. Although our story has long ended and will never be revived again, he was always present in my heart. I was burning the mid night oil wondering what I had to do when I e-mailed him to ask him for his number. He replied instanty and I hessitated to call him as it has been a good 2 years since I last spoken to him. From his e-mails, I could tell that he still had feelings for me. When we were together, we knew that our time together was not forever, we knew that our time together was limited as he had a wife and children. I had no intentions to break his marriage and although we loved each other deeply, our love was not strong enough for him to sacrifice his marriage. We had nights where we held each other tightly crying ourselves to sleep thinking of the day we will have to move on with our seperate lifes. That was 3 years ago and today I was revisiting, opening up our past and seeking him for advice. He had taught me so many things about men, about life, about choosing the right partner. He was my mentor and that time, we both thought we were each other's soul mate. He was much older than me, held a high position in a company, money and power. It was after being with him that I could never be with a man who is my age, or some one who is just starting out in life. He had put too many expectations on me for a man that I could never go back to the average income salared man. It was not money that I craved, but the maturity, confidence and mentallity that comes with a person who has made it in the business world. As our love grew each day, we also knew that one day we did have to part that I did have to find a man of my own. A man whom could stay the night with me, wake me up in the morning and be free to hold hands in the streets and could say that I am his. Today, I found such a man. However the circumstances that the wolf and I are both in makes it difficult to live a 'forever ever after' love story.

I called my past lover, as he picked up the phone, he sense that something was wrong. It was nice hearing his voice and I realise that my feelings for him has change since the last time we spoke. It was no longer feelings that I have for a lover but more of feelings I have for a brother. I spoke to him about the troubles I had with the old wolf. The half hour that we spoke cleared up my mind about the relationship I was in with the old wolf. The past lover made me realised that living as two requires a lot of giving. There were certain sacrifices we have to do to make our relationship grow and that being right was not always the good thing to do. At one instant, I felt a certain sadness, I had never able to confide in the old wolf the way I confinded with my past lover. Having thought about it today. I think the trouble lied with me, I know the old wolf and he was a person with so much to give, so much to offer me. He had open up with heart and took me in without judging my past. I had been too hurt by previous relationships to fully accept his love for me. My fears of previous relationships was coming back to haunt me and it was ruining my relationship with the old wolf. Why do we live in fear? Why cant we live like a child again? Unafraid to fall, being innocent to things around us? Instead we carry our burdens along with us to every new things we enter. I would like to live my story with the old wolf with renewed eyes, being innocent again, believing that he will never hurt me. I want to accept his love and all that he has to give. I need to learn to now.... and I need to learn to be unafraid to give my heart to him. I need to find a way else whatever we have been building will be history....

Horny

2005-09-13T10:06:00.000+02:00

"Fucking late" I swore underneath my breath as I walked into my room. Its not my fault that I report to Europe thus had to work late hours as France and UK began their working day 6 hours later that Singapore. I hate clubbing with work clothes, so clumsily I changed into my jeans and and hastily put on a t-shirt. I was definitely in no mood to be picked up and just wanted a quiet evening catching up with my girlfriends. Caught a cab and was in Brix, Grand Hyatt in 5 minutes. My so called "buddies" sms as I paid my cab fee to say that they were catching a quick bite at Newton Hawker Centre. I decided against sending a "complain sms" as I was the one who made them wait and eventually cancelled dinner because of fucking work commitments. Was not sure if Brix was exactly the best place for a girls night out, catching up, I just want to gossip and bitch session as it was crowded when I entered.

Knowing that I did have to wait for a half hour, I squeeze between the pool of humans, and got a seat on the bar. Although I was not sexily dressed, I caught a few glares from men and fought off some men with cheesy pick up lines. Shit! on the nights where I need some calm and tranquillity to reflect on life, I get more than usual attention. Why cant WE be a bit in tune? What is happening tonight? am I letting out too much female hormones to attract guys?

And then a man walks up to me and whispered into my ears "I'll tell you a secret- I am quite horny too", I stepped back, studying his face trying to recall if I knew him as its true that I have met far too many people than I can remember during my clubbing days. No recollection what so ever. Man, this guy has got a pretty lame pick up line. Where did he learn his lines from - The Simpsons? I decided against leaving my hand marks on his face as he was very well dressed and pretty decent looking. I hissed back at him "Sorry, I am lesbian, unless you are hiding a cunt I can use"...He points to my shirt and grumbles "oh.. I see, so this is only for girls then?". He then takes his drink and makes his way to another women on the other end of the bar. Puzzled by his action, I looked at my t-shirt. In my haste I had taken one of those FCUK t-shirts that read "Je suis Horny" on the front. That explains the why I had been approached more than usual this night. T-shirt to be kept for future use.....

Nipple Saviour

2005-09-12T12:47:00.000+02:00

I woke up to 3 men in uniform walking towards our car. I could imagine having some fun with them, but then I remembered we had illegal items in possession. I look at the old wolf, and wanted to ask him where he hid our goodies. Too late, I will find out when the custom officers find them. The old wolf looks at me smilingly. I have known him far too well and it was the look he gave me when we playfully took things from the supermarket to see if we will get caught. It was the same look he gave me when we walked out of a store with an unpaid leather jacket underneath his arms, acting as if he always owned it. It was the look to stay confident and the fucking officers will not notice a thing. Still, damn I wished I had asked where he had hid the marijuana. It was not much, only two reminding sticks from our trip.

The 3 officers walked behind the car and signals for the old wolf to open the trunk. I stayed in the passenger seat, folding my arms in front of my chest to cover my protruding nipples from my top. I had taken off my bra earlier and the coldness from the rain was making my nipples stick out of my top like a sore thumb. The fat officer rumbles through my black plastic bag.
My thoughts were "Oh, he is going to have a damn good time masturbating tonight!". He seems to be trying to fit his cubby face into the bag, as he looks through the items,… handcuffs, leather blind folds, mouth gag, nipple clips, dog collar...etc.... and he looks through the back window towards me, eyeing me like a hawk. He then comes to check the back seat of the car.
Shit! I really like to know where the old wolf hides the hashes. He opens our bag filled with leftover munchies I had brought from Amsterdam, there were hell a lot of chocolates to satisfy my chocolate cravings after a smoke. And chubby officer discovers a love potion, which claims to be like Viagra; only that this came from a sex shop and was in a shape of a sperm.
The sex shop owner at Amsterdam had given it to me as a souvenir while I was twisting it around in my hands singing “When I was sperm, I had a lot to learn…”. I let out a giggle as Officer Chubby picked up the 6-inch sperm with his hands and examines it. The sight of a serious chubby officer, with a sperm in his hands was just too much. He looks at me not amused, then very slowly his eyes slides down to my nipples, and I could see his face lighting
up as if he won the lottery - I think he just got additional material for masturbation tonight. While officer chubby stared at my sore thumb nipples, the two other officers were still searching the trunk. Good job officers - I sat the entire time in the passenger’s seat, and none of the officers asked me to leave so they can check the gloves compartment.

Half an hour of not finding anything exciting apart from my SM toys and sperm, they decided that it was time to let us go. The old wolf later tells me that the hash were hidden in the tissue box on the back seat of the car. Officer chubby would have smelled it but I guess he was more interested in other issues – my nipples. So, my nipples saved the day!

What are you thinking??

2005-08-29T16:31:00.000+02:00

Recently on kennysia's site and I was trilled to find that he had changed his layout temporarily. There was a short clip of little girls sliding down in their bathing suits. Poor innocent Kenny was accused as being "Paedophile" in the comments column. And I wondered why would they think that? So a photo of

little girls EQUAL TO PAEDOPHILE

So what will you think if I put a photo of my

Will you think I am a slut? cheap? sleezy? easy to sleep with? But maybe it might just be

BREAST = food for baby

Lets talk about Sex Baby....

2005-08-28T05:22:00.000+02:00

Heavy workload, busy schedules and travelling meant that Master and I had not been able to have SM as often as we would have liked. But Saturday night was heaven. Hmm... I am still reminiscing about how my hands were handcuffed in front of me, a roped tied from my handcuffs going through my cunt and ass, firmly attached to my collar, or when I was tied up on the table and wax poured onto my skin or the time when Master took my ass. oh man! oh man! Still the best part was the expression on the faces of our neighbours as I walked onto our balcony naked, clad only in fishnet stockings, collars and handcuffs. What a good laugh Master and I had as we see a man's face blushing and his wife pulling him away from the window that faces our apartment.

I am curious to know how many of you have tried SM before? How many of you reading this is turned on by the idea of tying up your lover for sex? Aint it just nice for once to see your girlfriend who claims to be all so independent, bitchy when her periods are due, indecisive, never able to say what she really means - her yes means no, and no means maybe. For once, you are in control of her. For once you can just do as you wish to her, watch her helpless and you fuck her, hearing her scream in agony.........

and SHE ENJOYS IT.....

hah! never tried it ah? tsk tsk tsk...so innocent hor? I introduced mild SM to the guys I slept with in the past, who practices Vanila Sex (dont know what it is? aiyoh... will explain in my later entries...),..... and they have never said "no" to tying me up. Of course there were the initial hessitation but how many guys will give up the chance to get their way during sex? And who would have guess that I like being submissive? The character I portray is one which is strong, independent, wildful, and stubborn.... who could have guessed that I love being controlled and submissive? I do! I do! Me being the way I am means that I need a man who is stronger, not just physically but mentally play with my fears and treats me like a slave during SM. Yes, on normal times we might be equal, we might bounce ideas of each other but during Sex - just spank me. If you cant fucking control me, I will control you, and we all know that females who do control their lovers, is a recipe for disaster in the relationship... I think the SM session tonight has just brought me closer to my master...thank you Master.. I had such a LOVELY time....

Sexy Lady? - Gone on holiday...

2005-08-25T22:27:00.000+02:00

I love being sexy - short skirts, off shoulders tops, dark red lip stick, high heels, bloody coloured nail polish. And I love being female. If ever I was born a male, I would have had a sex operation to have breast and all the hair removed from my body. Its lovely being feminine.

I dreaded the winter months in Paris, covered with layers of warm clothes. My years of being home in warm weathered country meant that I could bare as much skin as was culturally acceptable. As summer drew closer, I was excited of the possibilities of wearing close to nothing to walk the streets of Paris. Warm weather approached and I eagerly plan what to wear. A few weeks of sexy dressing and I was all ready to go back to t-shirts and pants. Paris was not ready for sexy outfits. Or rather I was not ready for what I received in Paris. Walking the streets of Paris in a mini skirt, halter tops and high heels, is no easy task and not fit for one like me with little experience. Male parisians eye you with hawk eyes watching its prey and females whispers disapproving at you. I felt like a Gucci bag on 90% discount, eyeing me and thinking I am theirs - sold. Men approached at every angle to either pay compliments or to ask if I was "free". Back in Singapore, I would have felt safe to dress as I wish, lookers will look but will turn the other way as soon I gave them the stare in the eye. Some of you might be reading this and think "Oh, what do you expect? If you dress like a slut, expect to be treated like one!". Oh really? So one can tell a person by the way he or she is dress and start making judgements? What if I just wanted to dress this way for myself or for the person I love. Is that wrong? What is it about men who think they can get their way with you and get into your pants by the way you dress? Actually I dont care a fuck if you think I am a slut, just fucking leave me alone! Is this a Western country mentality? I spend some years in Australia and in UK, and certainly did not feel the pressure to cover up. What happen to the notion of "RESPECT"? I felt beaten, lost and bullied. Sexy clothings will just have to entertain themselves in my closet. For now I will stick to my Nike runners.

Confused Petite

2005-08-24T11:27:00.000+02:00

Little Exploratrice gets a bit confused at times. This is as she has too many personalities. The individual personalities are very different depending on who she is with and where she is. There is a disease called "Multiple Personality Disorder" where one has multiple personalities. Unfortunately, Little Exploratrice does not have this disease so she is left with her own means of trying to remember which personalities she applies when she is with a specific person. Can't imagine how that is like? Well, it is a bit like "Catch Me If You Can" where Frank is a con artist who manages to land himself with different jobs. Little Exploratrice realise this a couple of weeks ago when her friend's little puppy behaved differently depending on who held the leash. While holding on to the leash, little Exploratrice wished she too had a collar and someone holding her leash too.

Oh come on! We all do have Multiple Personalities, the way we behave at work is totally different to the way we behave in bed or with our parents or partners. Things get a little complicated for Petite Exploratrice when as at times she can be a bit absent minded when she forgets if she is suppose to be innocent?, sluty?, bitchy?, geeky?, intellectual?. The task proves to be terribly difficult as her friends increases over time. And when different groups of friends who she has different personalities get together, it is some what like making a cocktail. If it is well done, the mixes end up like a tasteful "Singapore Sling" or "Long Island Tea", where the different ingridients like the different personalities she has, comes together and taste delicious. Had Petite Exploratrice not been careful, then she will be feeling like she has been drinking tea mixed with orange juice - horrible.

And what happens when Petite Exploratrice gets a Petite Explorateure (Man?). Poor Mr. Petite as he too gets confused with who she is. How is he to keep up with her ever changing personalities? It is like finding out that your price charming is actually a frog or the person you are about to make love to is actually a HE instead of SHE.

So to Mr. Petite Explorateure, who Petite Exploratrice loves so much and wants to spend her life with. Please be patient with her. Yes! we know she can be a darling at one moment and a crazy cat scratching her paws at you the next. But Petite Exploratrice's has a good heart. She has no intention to hurt anyone with her multiple personalities. She behaves that way as she has learned that some people are not able to accept the truth of who she is. Its better to not say certain things and to behave in a certain manner than to hurt the person.

What you dont know will not hurt you.....or more like What you dont know will not hurt Petite Exploratrice.

Sex and Church

2005-08-23T11:45:00.000+02:00

Ok, so I did mentioned a bit about sex in my previous entry, but life aint just about sex, it is much more than that. Maybe I am just writing more about it now as I have never been able to blog about them in my other blogs, fear of someone having a heart attack to read pure innocent me with my screwed up thoughts.

Lately, there has been a growing interest in me to visit the churches around France. Each time I walk into a church, which are mostly catholic here, I take a look at Jesus hanging on the cross, in a semi naked state and think, "wow! man that is a bit saddist huh?". And then I take a look at Mary and wonder what has Mary got to do with all these? Why are they worshipping her? Now, now, dont get me wrong here, I walk with the Christ. I am a firm believer in Christianity. I might not read the bible or go to church but I do believe in God. Actually I think I belive in Jesus much more than people who go to church does. Just that I dont need a statue of Jesus to remind me to be faithful to HIM. To me, Christ is something that is between us, its my personal relationship with HIM. And I dont need some Priest in a catholic Church to tell me what I should or should not do. Priest are probably condeming me for my sexual preferences as SM is probably ban by the pope. But heck, like I said, the cross of Jesus looks pretty SM to me. I dont understand the concept of a Priest not getting married. Research shows that Jesus migh have been married to Mary Magdelene, the so called "Prostitute" she is famous for in the bible. So why can't Priest get married? huh? huh? Maybe if they let them get married, they will stop molesting little boys. Search in the bible and you will find that there is no biblical reference for priest and nuns to be celibate. So this Petite Exploratrice did some research on "Why cant Priests get married?" One site I read, said that it was because back in those days, they decided it would be better to make sure that priests and cardinals and all them didn't have any children because they might be tempted to find ways to give the church's property to their kids. Hmm.. I rather preffer some spiritual reasonning to it rather than church herritage. Another site I stumbled on mentioned that it was because it was a "cheaper for the church to support priest without their families"...wah! I could do with some spritual reasoning like "one can only serve one God, and not the flesh". or it might be easier to accept the concept of " I renounce sex" so wham bang, that makes me a spritual creature.

This is when the priest became celibate:

306 C.E. -Council of Elvira, Spain, decree #43: a priest who sleeps with his wife the night before Mass will lose his job.
325 C.E.-Council of Nicea: decreed that after ordination a priest could not marry.
385 C.E.-Decreed that priests may no longer sleep with their wives

Sixth Century - Pope Gregory “the Great” said that all sexual desire is sinful in itself.
This is after the time of St. Augustine ( 401 C.E. ) who wrote 'Confessions' in which he had the absolute worst time giving up his own sexual desires to be a man of God.

Finally in the Eleventh Century-
1074 C.E. -Pope Gregory VII said anyone to be ordained must first pledge celibacy: ‘priests [must] first escape from the clutches of their wives. After this even priests who were already married were forced to leave their wives, this is where the real celibacy began.

If Jesus was really married to Mary, I dont understand why a Priest cant be. Whatever it is, I still love going to Churches, not to see its Christ in his semi-naked state but to see the architecture itself. Like I said, not all things are related to sex.

So excited...

2005-08-22T19:24:00.000+02:00

Been so excited about this site that I have been thinking about it in the metro. There is probably no one reading this but hell so what? I write for myself and I dont care a fuck if no one reads it. Last night I watch 'The Story of O'. Dont know what it is? If you are in to the BDSM lifestyle it is like the "Idoit's Guide to Slavery"! I was reading Sarong Party Girl on the Story of O, on being in control of oneself on how O handled the whippings and slavery. So I set myself on the sofa with whisky coke in hand, partially touching myself at times. I am still a little virgin in the SM scene, I feel as if there is so much more that I have to learn, so much more to discover and so much more to experience. Speaking about Sarong Party Girl, I do admire her. How I did love to do things she does but dont have the guts to do it. And I came from a rather conservative family, my dear father will die of a heart attack if he knew that I take much pleasure from being tied up while I am fucked and whipped til I scream. I do wonder about people like me who share similar interest. What is it about being helpless that excites us so much? What is is about pain that turns us on? Why do we like giving up our control to someone else? Someone else is not just anyone for me, that someone else has to be a person whom I love, trust and am fully confident in. And then one askes, how can someone who claims to love you bare to hurt you in any way? Because I damn well "LOVE IT"! I still dont know why but I do... Am not trying to torture myself, trying to figure things out, will just accept me for whom I am and just enjoy the spanking ride.....

Beginnings

2005-08-22T11:42:00.000+02:00

First entrance for the blog. Am feelign pretty excited as finally I can write whatever I damn well wish and not be worried that it will offend people I know as no body knows who I am. The feeling of being anonymous is incredible. So many times when I want to express my filty thoughts or make a sarcastic comment, I stop for fear of hurting the people close and dear to me who might read my entry. I am tired of being told what I should write, should not write and this will be my secret place where I can put my thoughs in without fear, fear that the people I love will get hurt. Why? cos you dont know who I am so you dont know who I am writing about.

Am tired of playing mix personalites - from being the good innocent girl in front of my parents, to a horny slave during SM Sex, to proffesional at work, tired tired tired...this is just me. Who I am. Confused and hoping to find some some stability and myself through writing...